Tuesday, April 27, 2010

You're Gonna Want This Back

I became an alumna of my sorority this past Sunday.

(The only picture that I took at the senior banquet)

It hasn't quite sunk in yet. I mean, honestly, a lot of my life is staying the same. I'm graduating in the summer, so I'll still get to have that awesome undergrad time for a month or two. Few responsibilities, great friends, and a kick-ass time. Seems like that's been the theme of college. And it's not as though I'm moving away after graduation. I'll still be here. I'll still see everyone. I'm not going to have a chance to miss Kappa as an organization because sorority and fraternity functions don't really happen outside of the fall and spring semesters.

I'm going to miss it in August. When I see Facebook statuses popping up with lyrics to door songs. When I show up to be a supportive alumna during recruitment and I'm not matching everyone else's outfits and I leave after rounds for the days when the actives will begin voting. Don't get me wrong, I dreaded those nights-- we stayed up 'til 4 or 5 a.m. in the world's most uncomfortable chairs, about half of us were PMSing and ready to jump down each other's throats, but I'm going to miss them. The part where we blast music and jump around to shake off the misery, pretend that we're going to "nap" for our five minute break, and laugh so hard we cry a little from being slap-happy.

I'm not going to miss waiting for the new members to run home on bid day and becoming a sweaty mess in the process. But I'm going to miss when they finally get there and I hug the girl who's going to be my sister. I'm going to miss gallivanting around our bid day venue, taking as many pictures as possible.

I'm not going to miss the dues (neither will my parents). But I'm going to miss the socials, when I got dressed up either to hang out in the bathroom and hide from frat boys, post up at the bar with my best friends, or dance like a crazy person (or an awkward one if a stranger decides to join me). I'm going to miss formals and semi-formals, when it's perfectly permissible to behave as though "Livin' On a Prayer" is the most genius work of music ever created and all of us simply must gather on the dance floor and scream the words at the top of our lungs. I'll miss wearing my letters every Wednesday.

I'm going to miss retreats: the cheesiness and team bonding activities, the basement songs, and goofy pictures. I'm not going to miss every bit of chapter: let's face it, some of the business is boring. But I'm going to miss the cheers when we found out we won something, the warm and fuzzies we had after a particularly Kappalicious weekend. I'm going to miss serenades from fraternities, goofy announcements, ritual, and having an excuse to dress up every week.

I've gone through a lot of this semester with my personal mantra being "Almostdonealmostdonealmostdone." But when we closed chapter last week, much to my own surprise, I fell apart and began to cry. I realized that that part of my Kappa experience was over and I can never get it back.

I didn't make my senior will to the chapter warm and mushy when I delivered it last weekend. I have a hard time talking about my feelings to the people that they're actually about. So I said some funny things and added a rushed sentence or two of sentiment. So, here's what I wish I had said when I actually stood up there.

Sometimes, in the midst of drama and fun, it's hard to remember why we are where we are. But I know that I'm going to miss this. I've learned so much from my time in this organization. I've learned the things I expected to, the things that OFSL probably lists among the benefits of joining a Greek Organization, relating to campus organizations, philanthropy, studying, and careers. But I learned things I didn't expect to too. I've learned about politics. I've learned about hair, make-up, fashion, and working out. I've learned how to push past my shyness sometimes. I've learned how to say no. I've learned that it's okay to make mistakes because your sisters will help you recover and remember who you are. I've learned to stand up for myself. I've learned that it's okay to cry in front of people. I've learned about myself.

I think back to who I was when I started college. In many ways, I'm the same. But I've changed and grown a lot too.

I can thank Kappa for that.

I'm gonna miss it.

You're gonna miss this.
You're gonna want this back.
You're gonna wish these days,
Hadn't gone by so fast

These are some good times.
So take a good look around.
You may not know it now,
But you're gonna miss this.

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Stuck in Neverneverland.

You know, when I made this blog, I titled it "Almost Grown-up" because that's how I saw my life last year. I was on the cusp of things, beginning my last year of college, going to graduate and get out into the "real world," and be an adult. I was ready for it.

I still am, but with the realization that I'm ready to get on with my life is the realization that we never really finish growing up. Everything we do, every day that we live shapes us into a person a little bit different than we were the day before. I'm a different person than I was when I began college. Hell, I'm a different person than I was six months ago.

Like I said, we never actually reach "grown-up" status because we're constantly changing, but we have that root that attaches us to childhood thought processes. In my Step Aerobics class earlier this week, our teacher insisted that we played Dodgeball and as I watched my classmates play, I was struck by Deja Vu. Cries of "The teams aren't even!" "He's cheating!" "You're not following the rules!" "It isn't fair!" echoed through the gym's walls. Were these my summer campers from my time as a camp counselor, or my adult classmates?

Those complaints don't go away, in Dodgeball or in Life. People break the rules, try their best to join the better team, and life isn't fair. We're not adults. I don't know if we ever will be and I don't know if we'd really want to be. It'd take everything interesting out of life.

So my blog remains titled "Almost Grown-up." Because I'm not a grown-up. And neither are you.

But we're always almost there.
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