(The only picture that I took at the senior banquet)
It hasn't quite sunk in yet. I mean, honestly, a lot of my life is staying the same. I'm graduating in the summer, so I'll still get to have that awesome undergrad time for a month or two. Few responsibilities, great friends, and a kick-ass time. Seems like that's been the theme of college. And it's not as though I'm moving away after graduation. I'll still be here. I'll still see everyone. I'm not going to have a chance to miss Kappa as an organization because sorority and fraternity functions don't really happen outside of the fall and spring semesters.
I'm going to miss it in August. When I see Facebook statuses popping up with lyrics to door songs. When I show up to be a supportive alumna during recruitment and I'm not matching everyone else's outfits and I leave after rounds for the days when the actives will begin voting. Don't get me wrong, I dreaded those nights-- we stayed up 'til 4 or 5 a.m. in the world's most uncomfortable chairs, about half of us were PMSing and ready to jump down each other's throats, but I'm going to miss them. The part where we blast music and jump around to shake off the misery, pretend that we're going to "nap" for our five minute break, and laugh so hard we cry a little from being slap-happy.
I'm not going to miss waiting for the new members to run home on bid day and becoming a sweaty mess in the process. But I'm going to miss when they finally get there and I hug the girl who's going to be my sister. I'm going to miss gallivanting around our bid day venue, taking as many pictures as possible.
I'm not going to miss the dues (neither will my parents). But I'm going to miss the socials, when I got dressed up either to hang out in the bathroom and hide from frat boys, post up at the bar with my best friends, or dance like a crazy person (or an awkward one if a stranger decides to join me). I'm going to miss formals and semi-formals, when it's perfectly permissible to behave as though "Livin' On a Prayer" is the most genius work of music ever created and all of us simply must gather on the dance floor and scream the words at the top of our lungs. I'll miss wearing my letters every Wednesday.
I'm going to miss retreats: the cheesiness and team bonding activities, the basement songs, and goofy pictures. I'm not going to miss every bit of chapter: let's face it, some of the business is boring. But I'm going to miss the cheers when we found out we won something, the warm and fuzzies we had after a particularly Kappalicious weekend. I'm going to miss serenades from fraternities, goofy announcements, ritual, and having an excuse to dress up every week.
I've gone through a lot of this semester with my personal mantra being "Almostdonealmostdonealmostdone." But when we closed chapter last week, much to my own surprise, I fell apart and began to cry. I realized that that part of my Kappa experience was over and I can never get it back.
I didn't make my senior will to the chapter warm and mushy when I delivered it last weekend. I have a hard time talking about my feelings to the people that they're actually about. So I said some funny things and added a rushed sentence or two of sentiment. So, here's what I wish I had said when I actually stood up there.
Sometimes, in the midst of drama and fun, it's hard to remember why we are where we are. But I know that I'm going to miss this. I've learned so much from my time in this organization. I've learned the things I expected to, the things that OFSL probably lists among the benefits of joining a Greek Organization, relating to campus organizations, philanthropy, studying, and careers. But I learned things I didn't expect to too. I've learned about politics. I've learned about hair, make-up, fashion, and working out. I've learned how to push past my shyness sometimes. I've learned how to say no. I've learned that it's okay to make mistakes because your sisters will help you recover and remember who you are. I've learned to stand up for myself. I've learned that it's okay to cry in front of people. I've learned about myself.
I think back to who I was when I started college. In many ways, I'm the same. But I've changed and grown a lot too.
I can thank Kappa for that.
I'm gonna miss it.